Instantaneous

Getting caught in a whirlwind is fun and dangerous.

I want to keep myself feeling open and to keep as many doors open as possible.

Stick that in a blender for a moment.


Within a rushed period of time, intimacy can become an unbelievable force. I think it is possible to find individuals and know instantly how important they are, even without speaking with them. Some of my best friends and love interests have had this sudden burst of mysterious instinct course through my brain. It has felt like deja vu, but instead of getting that zany "Ah! I totally dreamed this once upon a night and forgot about it until know," it feels like a random synchronization. Have you ever watched a row of signal lights on cars at a stop light, and it appears that they are all working at bizarre uncommon tempos but then just before you pull your eyes away they blip on and off in unison, if only for a brief moment? Imagine that secret moment of clarity and excitement that the universe is not so out of funk, but instead of inanimate objects finding a commonality the rhythms of two humans crossing paths match up in a sudden interlude. The timing has previously not been ideal and usually involves me gaping at someone walking by while thinking, "We're going to be good friends one daaaaaay...."

Once, I sat next to one of my closest friends during a meeting. Instantly I recognized that he and I would one day become important to one another. For some reason, it feels odd to rush this unique kind of encounter but once I feel that clarity in the moment I relax. Taking the let life bring us together approach has always worked. So, we did not speak to each other at all, but ate our free BBQ chicken wings while the meeting commenced. Nearly two years later, we became close friends following a random environmental activism trip. Strange how these things work out in the end.

It just makes me wonder. In addition to pheromones and instantaneous baby making instincts that are largely genetically based attractions, is there also something triggered physiologically while meeting someone who will be an important milestone friend? It would make sense. Humans need friends just as righteously as we need to make babies, perhaps even more so.

to be continued.

A Letter to Yourself

While I was in Portland, I realized that for the past several months I had not experienced pure joy in some time. In an attempt to capture that feeling, those moments of unbridled happiness I wrote a letter to myself. When I was younger, I never made myself a time capsule, but the idea was always appreciated within my imagination. The objects within carry such vast ideas and purposes. The time capsule itself seals the very moment and the entire exact replica of existence meanders through the years unchanged. The beauty in grasping time with all the complexities is transfixing.

That is what I wanted to accomplish within my letter. Once I would return to the dreary city of Ithaca, this letter would guide me to continue my trend of feeling inspired and love every day that I exist. For many months during the fall, I would wake up and just immediately feel like falling asleep again even after 12 or 14 hours of sleep. I longed for something else, a different environment, a different love, a different life. Portland ignited something within me and gave me purpose again.

It is interesting that "to be" is almost always one of the first words you learn in every language but we always have trouble doing simply that. At times, allowing ourselves to just exist and enjoy solitary moments is more challenging than anything we put ourselves through to achieve a serene state of mind.

Part of this way of existing involves living in more in a greyscale. The binaries of the absolute blacks and whites of a situation would tarnish any charmed experience. A brief romantic encounter can feel precious or delightful while at the same time inspiring great frustration. I wonder if it is healthier to simultaneously experience feelings such as being pissed and being blessed or to focus the mind on one individually.